Is anyone still here?

It's been two years. Is anyone there?

Im a monster

I'm a monster no one wants be around. Im just some ugly being that radiates anger.

I feel abandoned and hated. I'm trapped in this house every time some one leaves i want to beg them to take me with them and to not leave me here to rot.

am I so hatefull that no one wants to be with me? what is it about me that just puts people off? Am i that gross looking? do i need to change the way I look?

What happened to caring about the inside?i it just a fairy tale?

I wish something would happen to me so my family would feel bad and feel guilty and live a guilty painful hell

new blog

I'm making a new blog i'm going to leave this blog up so people can read it if they'd like

http://mydumbteenangst.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-blog.html

I don't need anything

I don't need food I don't need anything as long as I have music. just listening to it makes me feel like I can just listen it and never need anything or anyone.

I feel as if my soul moves with the beat. I'd forgotten how much music meant to me..
like an instant high like a quick rush of adrenaline. It amazing how just two songs can fix my mind so quickly how the sweet sound just swallow my whole body and soul and drag it to this bliss like no other....

Blogger is a fucking moron

I had a whole post and every thing but fucking blogger got rid of it as soon as I typed it up and it was really emotional and special!!!
first it doesn't let me read some blogs becouse they "may contain content that is suitable only for adults"

well Fuck you Blogger you lame whore of a website

p.s since I'm trying to like food again..let me know I should create a new blog for my health/ diet tips and leave this as my feelings blog or vice versa. I don't want to trigger binges or mess up anyone who's doing some thing. or should i just keep it all together?

oh and this websites my current creepy/ gross obsession it makes food such a turn off
http://worstthingieverate.com

Fuck this..

I no longer want to yell at myself every time I fail.
I no longer want my calorie intake to define my mood.
I don't wan this...

Everyday I wake up and try to remind my self to stay under 500 calories.

I want to change the purpose to remind myself that there's a less painful way. Though its true nothing worth it comes easy.

Everyday there are two arguments in my head.
Will I do it the "healthy" way or will I restrict...  '

All this time i have been seeing  this the wrong way. Fighting away the thoughts of freedom from this thing. This monster that determines my life, my mood, depending on whether I ate or didn't eat.

I'm going to fight the disorder  thoughts and let the thoughts of being healthy in.

So this is my journey to get healthy.

Fuck all this messed up shit. I;m tired of it all.

Angry birds

I've been such a loser....


I haven't gone out I've been stuffing my face and playing angry birds.....


Tomorrow I'm asking my friend if she wants to go to the movies. We can watch Super 8 or something.


I'm tired of hearing stray cats fornicating outside my window!!!! Its awkward and they wake up my dog and it starts barking and it wakes up the neighbours and they get mad!!!


I seriously think I'm going mad. I keep thinking a little bird from angry birds is going to crash into the text.
My life disappeared after school so I have to make an effort to bring it back!!


I've been thinking about the boy i wrote about last time we'll just him...K.


    Anyway I was thinking that if I do do happen to run into K (and he still remembers me) I'll talk to him.
I wont tell him I'm interested in him. I feel to fat for that. :'(  


I need to hit the gym...now


Just need my gym buddy.


lets see I'd like to lose 38lbs by august  15.


If my friend E wont got to the gym with me (sprinklers just turned on i can hear them lol) then I'll get my friends L to go with me. 


Easy as that..


Back to K, I remember one time i wore a white T-shirt and a black sweater(most common outfit ever) and he wore that too and I got all freaked out. I was like "omg, its sign". lol I'm such a dork..


 I've always wished someone would invent flower scented breathe mints. I wish my breathe would smell like lavender. OMG!!! imagine your talking to some one and they go "hey it smells like apple blossoms" then you could be like "oh yeah its just my breathe". How cool would that be!


I re-pierced my ears! Don't worry I used alcohol..to disinfect stuff.
I told my brother " I reopened my earring holes it hurt a little but i used alcohol". I guess it sounded like i got drunk or something cuz he looked at me funny. I had to specify that I used alcohol to sanitize the earring and the area around my ears.
I think i had too many prunes my stomachs growling at me. 


so 24 hour fruit fast and no more than 500 cals.


comment reply time:


DanaHr 
lol Thank you I realize that now. just kidding. thanx for commenting


~christy~ 
Some day you will find some one out there trust me :) If a guy doesn't like you back screw him he's probably not worth it.


Wings to Set me Free
If I do see him and he still remembers me I think I'd like to his friend. He was pretty interesting.


thank you guys for reading/fallowing/commenting on my blog.


love you guys
stay strong