Fuck this..

I no longer want to yell at myself every time I fail.
I no longer want my calorie intake to define my mood.
I don't wan this...

Everyday I wake up and try to remind my self to stay under 500 calories.

I want to change the purpose to remind myself that there's a less painful way. Though its true nothing worth it comes easy.

Everyday there are two arguments in my head.
Will I do it the "healthy" way or will I restrict...  '

All this time i have been seeing  this the wrong way. Fighting away the thoughts of freedom from this thing. This monster that determines my life, my mood, depending on whether I ate or didn't eat.

I'm going to fight the disorder  thoughts and let the thoughts of being healthy in.

So this is my journey to get healthy.

Fuck all this messed up shit. I;m tired of it all.

Angry birds

I've been such a loser....


I haven't gone out I've been stuffing my face and playing angry birds.....


Tomorrow I'm asking my friend if she wants to go to the movies. We can watch Super 8 or something.


I'm tired of hearing stray cats fornicating outside my window!!!! Its awkward and they wake up my dog and it starts barking and it wakes up the neighbours and they get mad!!!


I seriously think I'm going mad. I keep thinking a little bird from angry birds is going to crash into the text.
My life disappeared after school so I have to make an effort to bring it back!!


I've been thinking about the boy i wrote about last time we'll just him...K.


    Anyway I was thinking that if I do do happen to run into K (and he still remembers me) I'll talk to him.
I wont tell him I'm interested in him. I feel to fat for that. :'(  


I need to hit the gym...now


Just need my gym buddy.


lets see I'd like to lose 38lbs by august  15.


If my friend E wont got to the gym with me (sprinklers just turned on i can hear them lol) then I'll get my friends L to go with me. 


Easy as that..


Back to K, I remember one time i wore a white T-shirt and a black sweater(most common outfit ever) and he wore that too and I got all freaked out. I was like "omg, its sign". lol I'm such a dork..


 I've always wished someone would invent flower scented breathe mints. I wish my breathe would smell like lavender. OMG!!! imagine your talking to some one and they go "hey it smells like apple blossoms" then you could be like "oh yeah its just my breathe". How cool would that be!


I re-pierced my ears! Don't worry I used alcohol..to disinfect stuff.
I told my brother " I reopened my earring holes it hurt a little but i used alcohol". I guess it sounded like i got drunk or something cuz he looked at me funny. I had to specify that I used alcohol to sanitize the earring and the area around my ears.
I think i had too many prunes my stomachs growling at me. 


so 24 hour fruit fast and no more than 500 cals.


comment reply time:


DanaHr 
lol Thank you I realize that now. just kidding. thanx for commenting


~christy~ 
Some day you will find some one out there trust me :) If a guy doesn't like you back screw him he's probably not worth it.


Wings to Set me Free
If I do see him and he still remembers me I think I'd like to his friend. He was pretty interesting.


thank you guys for reading/fallowing/commenting on my blog.


love you guys
stay strong

Ok this was a fun post to type.

I feel desperate.

Desperate to type.

Desperate to let it all out.

Its been a tough  few days  week.

I had my promotion ceremony= last minute dress and shoes and accessory shopping.
I had my end of the year 8th grade trip to a (semi local) amusement park.

I had an amazing time but iI need to contact my friend to see if she want to go to the gym with me.

its currently 2 am and i refuse to sleep, I wonder if i can stay up until 5 am?

        I was thinking the other day about a small crush I had last year.
I hate talking about/having crushes their such "young school girl" thing to have and I always imagine the caricatures of young big-eyed girls with hearts sprouting out their head. So I always feel very foolish.

     So picture this (and have a good laugh of how cliché it is)....

Once upon a day a young girl (me)was sitting in her room talking to her friend about her first day at a new school. She had every right to be nervous. It was a scary transition going from a class academically gifted prodigies to a school well known for it fights(think of it as new gifted program vs old ghetto school). She went to sleep at last and wondered what  awaited for her the next day.


    It was sunny bright day (i don't actually remember the weather) and the young girl headed out the door. She wore a purple v-neck, a black sweater and her favourite  pair of jeans(and the worlds worst frizzy hair cut). The school day went by quickly she slowly began to find out how the school worked. She hung out with a girl she knew. The rest of the days went by fast until the third day. 


   That's when she saw him (cue cheesy romance music) he was a year older and the teacher's aid. She took every opportunity to get his attention and look away she befriended a girl to get close to him (I'm such a user lol). She found out his hobbies, his address ( stalker much? In my defence he told me what street he lived I just saw his family car parked in front of the house). 


      One sad horrible day she discovered he liked some fake blonde hoe bag. (sad part was she was actually pretty) He shared the details with her and broke her sad little tween heart. (lol) 


     So she started to resent him for not liking her back. Time went by and she began to move on and he moved on. 


Oh my I was such a stalker I knew what classes he had and where he lived, where he hung out. That was a year ago (I've changed). I haven't seen him around in such a long time but I secretly hope he still in this town so i can be a creep and watch him from afar and one day work up the courage to pretend that I "had" a crush a crush on him and no longer do...even though I still do. (this was during my creepy long hair too much eye-liner phase).

I saw all the signs that weren't there
the non-existent stares

Then again i do pretty much have great hair great make up and rather healthy skin (as im told by a friend who we will call C).but my body is nothing to envy.

I got some clothes that my Mom sent to me she is currently away because of work. A hand made skirt and an expensive dress. The skirt fit but the dress is 3sizes too small.

Someone spent their time and money on some thing that will sit on a rack in my closet until I can ware it and look good.

sorry if the grammar quality and spelling suck its 3 am fuck spell check

love you guys
stay strong

sorry

I've been busy. end of the year stuff is killing me.

sorry

I didn't post because I'd been avoiding having to tell you guys that I'm a huge fail.

quick update.

Friday
Went to see hang over too. It was hilariously disturbing much like the first one. When out to eat stuffed my self one of the ladies at the restaurant complained she couldn't go home early because of us. Well F.U we left.

Saturday
Was couch potato ate played on computer watched t.v.

Sunday
Did the same as Saturday except I rediscovered my coffee addiction

And to today was a couch potato day again.

Meal for tomorrow

breakfast:
coffee fully prepared :70 cals
lunch: water 0 cals
Dinner: tea 15 cals

So on Wednesday we go on a trip to a local theme park
and Thursday is our 8th grade graduation dance and last day of school.
Promotion ceremony is on the 7th.

This year went by too fast. :(

love you guys
stay strong

I want to be thinnest

I'm going to join the gym but I'm going to ask my best friend to join me. I don't want her to be thinner than me. So that means I have to set my machines at higher levels and watch my food carefully. So tomorrow at school ill ask her.

It's different with you guys. I read what you guys go through I know your intentions. Your not doing it to piss me off or be better than me. I know you guys don't mind if I lose weight. You guys deserve what you want.

So until I start hitting the gym this summer its under 200 cals.

I also picked up my graduation gown which only reminds me that I'm one step closer to graduation

I got to go to sleep

love you guys
stay strong

ps. is it weird that I'm not allowing my self to eat white and yellow foods I fell like their always the ones with the most fat and sugar.

.

fail

went graduation dress shopping nothing looked good

got home from school and (willingly) pigged out

I'm such a fat loser

I read your blogs i promise i just don't comment because I'm lazy. sorry
tomorrows another day.
trying the alternating fast again
I need to find out how much a gym membership costs if its not too high I my dad will get me one.

love you guys
stay strong