Im a monster

I'm a monster no one wants be around. Im just some ugly being that radiates anger.

I feel abandoned and hated. I'm trapped in this house every time some one leaves i want to beg them to take me with them and to not leave me here to rot.

am I so hatefull that no one wants to be with me? what is it about me that just puts people off? Am i that gross looking? do i need to change the way I look?

What happened to caring about the inside?i it just a fairy tale?

I wish something would happen to me so my family would feel bad and feel guilty and live a guilty painful hell

new blog

I'm making a new blog i'm going to leave this blog up so people can read it if they'd like

http://mydumbteenangst.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-blog.html

I don't need anything

I don't need food I don't need anything as long as I have music. just listening to it makes me feel like I can just listen it and never need anything or anyone.

I feel as if my soul moves with the beat. I'd forgotten how much music meant to me..
like an instant high like a quick rush of adrenaline. It amazing how just two songs can fix my mind so quickly how the sweet sound just swallow my whole body and soul and drag it to this bliss like no other....

Blogger is a fucking moron

I had a whole post and every thing but fucking blogger got rid of it as soon as I typed it up and it was really emotional and special!!!
first it doesn't let me read some blogs becouse they "may contain content that is suitable only for adults"

well Fuck you Blogger you lame whore of a website

p.s since I'm trying to like food again..let me know I should create a new blog for my health/ diet tips and leave this as my feelings blog or vice versa. I don't want to trigger binges or mess up anyone who's doing some thing. or should i just keep it all together?

oh and this websites my current creepy/ gross obsession it makes food such a turn off
http://worstthingieverate.com

Fuck this..

I no longer want to yell at myself every time I fail.
I no longer want my calorie intake to define my mood.
I don't wan this...

Everyday I wake up and try to remind my self to stay under 500 calories.

I want to change the purpose to remind myself that there's a less painful way. Though its true nothing worth it comes easy.

Everyday there are two arguments in my head.
Will I do it the "healthy" way or will I restrict...  '

All this time i have been seeing  this the wrong way. Fighting away the thoughts of freedom from this thing. This monster that determines my life, my mood, depending on whether I ate or didn't eat.

I'm going to fight the disorder  thoughts and let the thoughts of being healthy in.

So this is my journey to get healthy.

Fuck all this messed up shit. I;m tired of it all.

Angry birds

I've been such a loser....


I haven't gone out I've been stuffing my face and playing angry birds.....


Tomorrow I'm asking my friend if she wants to go to the movies. We can watch Super 8 or something.


I'm tired of hearing stray cats fornicating outside my window!!!! Its awkward and they wake up my dog and it starts barking and it wakes up the neighbours and they get mad!!!


I seriously think I'm going mad. I keep thinking a little bird from angry birds is going to crash into the text.
My life disappeared after school so I have to make an effort to bring it back!!


I've been thinking about the boy i wrote about last time we'll just him...K.


    Anyway I was thinking that if I do do happen to run into K (and he still remembers me) I'll talk to him.
I wont tell him I'm interested in him. I feel to fat for that. :'(  


I need to hit the gym...now


Just need my gym buddy.


lets see I'd like to lose 38lbs by august  15.


If my friend E wont got to the gym with me (sprinklers just turned on i can hear them lol) then I'll get my friends L to go with me. 


Easy as that..


Back to K, I remember one time i wore a white T-shirt and a black sweater(most common outfit ever) and he wore that too and I got all freaked out. I was like "omg, its sign". lol I'm such a dork..


 I've always wished someone would invent flower scented breathe mints. I wish my breathe would smell like lavender. OMG!!! imagine your talking to some one and they go "hey it smells like apple blossoms" then you could be like "oh yeah its just my breathe". How cool would that be!


I re-pierced my ears! Don't worry I used alcohol..to disinfect stuff.
I told my brother " I reopened my earring holes it hurt a little but i used alcohol". I guess it sounded like i got drunk or something cuz he looked at me funny. I had to specify that I used alcohol to sanitize the earring and the area around my ears.
I think i had too many prunes my stomachs growling at me. 


so 24 hour fruit fast and no more than 500 cals.


comment reply time:


DanaHr 
lol Thank you I realize that now. just kidding. thanx for commenting


~christy~ 
Some day you will find some one out there trust me :) If a guy doesn't like you back screw him he's probably not worth it.


Wings to Set me Free
If I do see him and he still remembers me I think I'd like to his friend. He was pretty interesting.


thank you guys for reading/fallowing/commenting on my blog.


love you guys
stay strong

Ok this was a fun post to type.

I feel desperate.

Desperate to type.

Desperate to let it all out.

Its been a tough  few days  week.

I had my promotion ceremony= last minute dress and shoes and accessory shopping.
I had my end of the year 8th grade trip to a (semi local) amusement park.

I had an amazing time but iI need to contact my friend to see if she want to go to the gym with me.

its currently 2 am and i refuse to sleep, I wonder if i can stay up until 5 am?

        I was thinking the other day about a small crush I had last year.
I hate talking about/having crushes their such "young school girl" thing to have and I always imagine the caricatures of young big-eyed girls with hearts sprouting out their head. So I always feel very foolish.

     So picture this (and have a good laugh of how cliché it is)....

Once upon a day a young girl (me)was sitting in her room talking to her friend about her first day at a new school. She had every right to be nervous. It was a scary transition going from a class academically gifted prodigies to a school well known for it fights(think of it as new gifted program vs old ghetto school). She went to sleep at last and wondered what  awaited for her the next day.


    It was sunny bright day (i don't actually remember the weather) and the young girl headed out the door. She wore a purple v-neck, a black sweater and her favourite  pair of jeans(and the worlds worst frizzy hair cut). The school day went by quickly she slowly began to find out how the school worked. She hung out with a girl she knew. The rest of the days went by fast until the third day. 


   That's when she saw him (cue cheesy romance music) he was a year older and the teacher's aid. She took every opportunity to get his attention and look away she befriended a girl to get close to him (I'm such a user lol). She found out his hobbies, his address ( stalker much? In my defence he told me what street he lived I just saw his family car parked in front of the house). 


      One sad horrible day she discovered he liked some fake blonde hoe bag. (sad part was she was actually pretty) He shared the details with her and broke her sad little tween heart. (lol) 


     So she started to resent him for not liking her back. Time went by and she began to move on and he moved on. 


Oh my I was such a stalker I knew what classes he had and where he lived, where he hung out. That was a year ago (I've changed). I haven't seen him around in such a long time but I secretly hope he still in this town so i can be a creep and watch him from afar and one day work up the courage to pretend that I "had" a crush a crush on him and no longer do...even though I still do. (this was during my creepy long hair too much eye-liner phase).

I saw all the signs that weren't there
the non-existent stares

Then again i do pretty much have great hair great make up and rather healthy skin (as im told by a friend who we will call C).but my body is nothing to envy.

I got some clothes that my Mom sent to me she is currently away because of work. A hand made skirt and an expensive dress. The skirt fit but the dress is 3sizes too small.

Someone spent their time and money on some thing that will sit on a rack in my closet until I can ware it and look good.

sorry if the grammar quality and spelling suck its 3 am fuck spell check

love you guys
stay strong

sorry

I've been busy. end of the year stuff is killing me.

sorry

I didn't post because I'd been avoiding having to tell you guys that I'm a huge fail.

quick update.

Friday
Went to see hang over too. It was hilariously disturbing much like the first one. When out to eat stuffed my self one of the ladies at the restaurant complained she couldn't go home early because of us. Well F.U we left.

Saturday
Was couch potato ate played on computer watched t.v.

Sunday
Did the same as Saturday except I rediscovered my coffee addiction

And to today was a couch potato day again.

Meal for tomorrow

breakfast:
coffee fully prepared :70 cals
lunch: water 0 cals
Dinner: tea 15 cals

So on Wednesday we go on a trip to a local theme park
and Thursday is our 8th grade graduation dance and last day of school.
Promotion ceremony is on the 7th.

This year went by too fast. :(

love you guys
stay strong

I want to be thinnest

I'm going to join the gym but I'm going to ask my best friend to join me. I don't want her to be thinner than me. So that means I have to set my machines at higher levels and watch my food carefully. So tomorrow at school ill ask her.

It's different with you guys. I read what you guys go through I know your intentions. Your not doing it to piss me off or be better than me. I know you guys don't mind if I lose weight. You guys deserve what you want.

So until I start hitting the gym this summer its under 200 cals.

I also picked up my graduation gown which only reminds me that I'm one step closer to graduation

I got to go to sleep

love you guys
stay strong

ps. is it weird that I'm not allowing my self to eat white and yellow foods I fell like their always the ones with the most fat and sugar.

.

fail

went graduation dress shopping nothing looked good

got home from school and (willingly) pigged out

I'm such a fat loser

I read your blogs i promise i just don't comment because I'm lazy. sorry
tomorrows another day.
trying the alternating fast again
I need to find out how much a gym membership costs if its not too high I my dad will get me one.

love you guys
stay strong

I'm nervous

about high school

I think I took too many hard classes

biology adv.
geometry.
English 9 adv
French
phys ed.
health (aka sex ed)

I know its only 2 advanced classes but notice how I have no fun classes.

The problems are
- I have no discipline
- huge procrastinator
- lazy

I think the only class I'm excited for is French.

I know most of my friends are thinking of the social aspect of high school which once again makes me feel too old my for my age. Like drinking coffee in the morning. Painting my nails "boring" colours  like brown or gray.

My personal favourite is the no dating policy... that I made for my self...Lol i'm 14 and I act 40. I kinda just think I'm too young and I have bigger priorities right now. I swear if wasn't so fat and lazy I'd make the perfect kid. Quiet in class social outside.

oh its sad it really is.....

Just right now I'm deciding I want to do a seven day alternating fast.

here is the explanation.

Monday: liquid fast. only liquids.
Tuesday: fast
Wednesday: liquid fast. only liquids.

Thursday: fast

Friday: fast

Saturday:  liquid fast. only liquids.

Sunday: fast

Monday: fruit fast must remain under 500 cals

also for the liquid fasts must remain under 500.

love you guys 

stay strong

ABC easy as 123

not really.

    I was looking through this website and I came across the abc diet. I always hear people saying their going to do it but I've never actually tried it. so since I haven't eaten yet and its already noon I think I'll start today.

Day 1: 500 calories (or less)
Day 2: 500 calories (or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: Fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: Fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: Fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800 calories
32: Fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: Fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: Fast


lol. its so random 


so join me if you'd like on my journey to concur this beast that have failed to slay. 


lol. I am soooooo strange


love you guys 
stay strong.


ps. this plan lasts for such a long time

regrets

Its Friday. Boy did I get down on Friday.
*TMI*
So i decided to have caloric binge. I don't like to fast on my period. I don't get cravings during my period. I just don't. I went out for burgers because I feel that if I don't eat while on period I feel sick. like really sick.  like throwing up and lying in the corner and having an upset stomach wishing for the end to come soon...
SOOOOOO... yeah.
*TMI OVER*

breakfast: 0 cals
lunch:0 cals
dinner :
sirloin Swiss & grilled onion burger 883 cals
medium Dr. pepper 363 cals
med curly fries  425 cals
small curly fries 280 cals
ranch  130 cals
 2081 cals total

I hope this is enough fuel for  the rest of the weekend.

love you guys
stay strong

:(

this may be tmi but....
I'm on my lady...uh times


right now I feel like eating this for diner  
this for dessert 


but luckily I settled for just water.


total consumption = 0cals


This sis the first time I have two successful days in a row. lets make 3 tomorrow going to sleep extra early so I don't eat. 


love you guys
stay strong

thanks to my followers.

its good to know I'm not by myself.

I lost or someone stole half of my savings for random crap.

FML. I made a big scene my dad tried to give me ten dollars but that was clearly "shut up" money.
Thank god no one offered me a burger or something i would have taken it.

today was pretty good.

breakfast: coffee 5cals
lunch: flavoured water 60 cals
dinner: 1 prune 23 cals
           1 bag of apple slices 30 cals
            1/2 tbs of hummus  10 cals
            celery and mustard  9 cals
  total = 137 cals
I didn't exercise but I think I did well.

love you guys
stay strong

I cant decide

whether i value my health more or thinness.
... thinness.

I miss the cool winters and warm tea. I miss it.

I want to lose 34pounds by august.

Tomorrow this is the plan
breakfast: 1 cup of black coffee with no cal sweetener = 0 cals
lunch: apple = 100cals
dinner: lemon tea with no cal sweetener = 0 cals

total 100 cals.

for exercise
30 squats
50 jumping jacks
20 push ups
30 min of jogging / running

not much exercise but hey its enough for now.

thanks, ally

Um this is my story

                                 I'm fourteen years old. So prepare yourself for rants.

I first discovered the pro ana pro mia somewhere in 2008 so i was 11 or something like that. Yup i started of young  Real young.

I've gained and lost and gained. I am now troubled by the choice of continuing the way I am or changing to the healthy way.

I always wonder what its like to be normal.

To start of the morning with coffee or cereal and not be wondering calories nutrition facts.

to get to school and talk with your friends and not stare at other girls and be upset because they are thin and I'm not.

what do normal people do?
do they get the pizza the school sells for lunch
finish it and not think of calories
go their next class
go home grab a snack
do their homework
watch t.v eat dinner
and not regret a bite

never to overeat or under-eat.
be a "normal" weight

     I want this I want it so bad but its so hard..

today i had basically a cleansing day of mostly prunes and green tea...

normality : failed

PS. I'm still Jr high 8th grade.